Recently I went through the incredible experience of growing a child inside of me, and giving birth to our second child- a boy! When I first found out we were expecting another bundle of joy, many thoughts raced my mind. First, and foremost, was the 'I'm-having-a-baby!' phase; and then turned to a 'how-am-I-going-to-handle-two-kids-under-two' phase....which lead to many other phases and so on. But one phase I struggled with was 'I'm-going-to-get-big' and its the phase we all dread. The whole part about getting big/gaining weight, then the part of losing the baby weight after. I'm not sure if I am alone on this but every doctor appointment I dreaded getting on that scale-when the numbers went up, my heart sunk a little, when they went down (all thanks to the "wonderful" morning sickness that overcame half of my pregnancy). Yes, I knew I was growing a human inside of me, but I just couldn't get over the fact that I couldn't stay the same size/weight while doing so.
So now here I sit, my little guy will be turning three months here in a little over a week, and what do I have to show for it? I still look like I did three weeks postpartum and it is putting such a damper on my self esteem! I look at all those women who are blessed with bouncing right back to the pre-pregnancy pants right after they have a baby, and I envy them-why cant I be that lucky to pop a kid out and look like I came out of a magazine, gorgeous as ever? Why couldn't I have been blessed with those beautiful genes?
Before I got pregnant I had been working really hard on getting back to my pre-pregnancy size after having our daughter. Here I was 8-9 months PP and I was pretty serious on hitting the gym about 4+ times a week, and had been since month 6. I was starting to like what I was seeing-results! Not necessarily huge weight lose but a few pounds here and there. I even felt so much better about myself which is a big win! Then I got pregnant, we were very happy and excited and this is what we had wanted (just didn't expect it to happen so fast ;) ) but I was dreading what would happen to my body and how big I was going to get. Both of my pregnancies I gained 29 pounds exact, now I take into consideration that both of my babies were 9 pounders and that the placenta wasn't just a weightless sack of meat. That was still an additional 15 or so pounds that I was going to have to deal with.
A lot of moms after they get the go-ahead from the doctor they hit the gym for an hour or more a day to get their body back. Well, here is the thing: 1.) I breastfeed, so working out vigorously can do a damper on your milk supply and I don't want to lose this bonding experience I gain when I breastfeed. 2.) I do not have hours to go run to the gym and work out. I am very blessed to be able to stay home with my children and my gym time is limited for when my husband can be home with them. So that leaves the mornings (which I prefer-just not the butt-crack of dawn when I am getting very little sleep already) or at night when my husband gets home from a long day at work. To be honest, I don't want to load our crazy toddler and crying baby to run off for an hour, and quiet frankly when it hits 7-8 o'clock at night I don't want to do ANYTHING! let alone run to the gym. I am doggone tired from the hectic/fun day I had entertaining a toddler and keeping her from trying to pick up brother or drop things on him. All I want to do is curl up next to hubby and watch some Netflix! So, I maybe hit the gym 1-2 times a week for maybe a quick run to not really focus on weight loss but to have a few minutes and rejuvenate myself.
So why is this such an issue for me? Why am I being so down on myself for having these curves and extra "cushioning"? I should be feeling on top of the world really, in less than a 3-year time span I have been pregnant, given birth to not one, but two beautiful children! I have grown my children inside my body, pushed those 9 pound suckers out, and then have supplied food for them to flourish- WITH MY OWN BODY! Man, I should be feeling like Wonder Women right now, right? I have been given the gift that some others do not get to have, yet all I am worried about are the stupid stretch marks and left-over weight. And I realized, I need to be nicer to my body- it has been through a lot and instead of making myself feel worse about my appearance, I should be okay with too-wide hips and that baby-pooch covered with lines. My body gave me the greatest gifts I will ever receive (with a little help ;) ) and I am going to be better at showing it a little more love. Not only for me, but because I also know, that one of those little gifts I gave birth to is watching my every move, absorbing like a sponge and the last thing I want her to do is worry so much about her body image. I want her to enjoy her time being a kid, and know that whatever size she turns out to be, that she is beautiful and one day her own body will do great things and be grateful for what she has.
I know my husband will roll his eyes at me for taking so long to get to this point but gosh darn it, I am happy with me. I want to wake up in the morning and not focus so much on what I will wear that day to hide that baby-belly, but more on what crazy adventure we will have that day. I want to look my daughter in the eye and say that body image isn't everything and it shouldn't consume our lives and actually mean what I am saying. Yes, I will continue to go to the gym as often as I can but instead of bullying my body because I am not losing the weight as fast as I hoped, I know it will happen overtime. I will continue to tell myself that I am beautiful, that my husband didn't marry me because of my jean size, that I need to set a good example for my kids because truth-be-told happiness isn't measured by the circumference of your waist. These are the things that are truly important to me, because no matter what happens, I will never be truly satisfied with my weight- whether I be 180 lbs or 108, but I know if I keep bullying myself about it, it wont just hurt me but the ones I love most.
So I promise today, to love my body more. To look at my body in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful. I will continue to sing "All about that Bass" not only because of the catchy tune but because I feel like my body size doesn't matter for those 3 glorious minutes.Continue going to the gym because it makes me feel good. I will look less into the tabloids about how fast so-and-so lost baby weight because a ton of that is really sketchy stuff anyways. I will brush off feeling uncomfortable around super skinny because we are all made differently.If someone makes a comment about me and my weight I will be honest; I really don't care, I am awesome, and I like me! And I will always tell myself no matter if I am a size 14 or 4, that my body is amazing, because my body made me a mother.
