It seems just like yesterday when those magical lines showed up on that eight dollar pee stick; I still remember that day so vivid and the whole experience was a bit of a shock to me! But hey, this was a goal for TJ and I; we both wanted kids-but at this point we were not trying to get pregnant (but we were not taking the steps to prevent it though as well.) Around the time we did get pregnant I was just getting over a month long of having mono and being super sick and then much to my surprise I was pregnant! My doctor told me to expect an irregular period so when that irregular period happened I didn't put too much thought into it.
But soon enough I started feeling a hard weird thing in my stomach, it wasn't painful but it sure made some other things hard to enjoy, and my ladies started getting a lot thicker (I wasn't complaining, I was thinking that was the growth spurt I have been waiting for for so long!) Then one Saturday, my cousin and I decided-she decided and I agreed knowing I was giving my hopes up anyways- to go get a test and make sure everything was...normal with me on that level. Then low and behold...BAM!!!!
I ended up taking four more tests after this...I couldn't really believe it, it was more of a I-feel-like-I-am-being-punk'd kind of haze. But all five tests had shown up positive! TJ and I were elated, excited to share the news with our family that we were having a baby!
So the next necessary steps were to look into doctors and getting prenatal care so both the baby and I would be in healthy condition. I didn't know where to start or even what to do, I felt like an idiot having to call everyone and asking the obvious questions; BUT I am glad that they were there and so loving and supportive to make sure that I was getting the things I needed to, taken care of. I got in contact with a doctor and set up an appointment for a few days after Thanksgiving.
I was so anxious all of November and it was incredible that each day I was getting closer to being able to see that little blastocyst inside of me! And finally the day came we got to meet the little sucker on screen.
Here is our first ultrasound of Baby Carney; 11-27-2012, 8weeks 4 days
So clearly there was evidence of a baby so...why was I all the sudden feeling so off? I will be honest, and this is hard for me to come to terms with on my own; but I thought the day I found out I was expecting I would love the nudger from day one...I have yet to feel that emotion, and I felt terrible for the longest time, and in fact still do. How can I not love something that I am creating? Well, good news is -especially those who are preparing to have children and this will be your first pregnancy- it is totally normal! It is really embarrassing to ask and I had to ask a coworker (Not even my own mom!) if what I was experiencing a normal sign or if I was deranged and going to be a psycho mom who hated her child. So, yes it is a very normal feeling and it will soon be diminished when you actually start to feel the baby move and kick.
You know that feeling you got when you were younger and you wanted to be older? For an example; you barely turned twelve and you are already saying that you are almost thirteen? (Maybe I was weird when I was younger). But you never felt satisfied, you always wanted to be that older age- Again I feel this is how pregnancy is, (and this might just be me as well) I was barley 9 weeks and I was already saying almost 10 and so on and so forth. Then miraculously it happened to be that I was 12 weeks along...that meant it was time to see the baby again! TJ and I were even more excited because this was taken on Christmas Eve, what better gift could any soon-to-be-parents ask for than to see there baby waving at them? (I do admit it was a pretty joyous feeling watching a little hand waving on the screen)
See that...alien lookin' thing? Yeah that's my baby :)
Baby Carney; 12-24-2012, 12weeks 4days
After that appointment, I started feeling...uneasy and uncomfortable about my choice of a doctor. I started looking secretly into other doctors and reading reviews, but none felt...like they were meant to be my doctor. I had been thinking a lot on how cool it would be to do a water birth since I loved taking baths so much (haha I know strange reason), and every place I looked would let you labor in water but never actually birth in water; I was so disappointed! During this time of searching, TJ and I ran across some...financial issues on how we would pay for this baby (insurance companies will make sure its impossible to get covered if you are previously pregnant-even if you are 4 weeks along and haven't been to a doctor yet). So with that situation we were stuck, there is no way we could have popped out 14+ grand for a baby and I was especially not giving it to a doctor that I was not comfortable with!
So I did a little more research and suddenly my cousins wife, Cyndi, didn't seem so crazy about having a midwife and natural births after all! I am in no way a tough person when it comes to pain and I beg for drugs to take pain away, but I kept reading on what actually goes on when you are having a baby and some of the drugs they inject with are scary! But I finally found the woman-or midwife- of my dreams! (I know, cheesy of me) I asked Cyndi who she had deliver all three of her precious babies and she referred me to an amazing midwife, I have only interviewed with her once, but the things she knows and the way she practices is just so calming and relaxing its hard not to love her!
I am terrified of having my baby, I know there will be pain and I am not sure how exactly I am going to get through it but I have an amazing support group and 'team' I am excited to be birthing with! My mom thought I was "brave" meaning "crazy and nuts" for wanting to even try to go the all natural way with giving birth but each time we talk about it she gets more and more excited about it (after all, she isn't pushing a baby out) and cannot wait to meet her first grandchild!
If you are considering a natural birth or even just knowing you will do a hospital birth because its what to do, research every option you have-because all in all, you have a voice and you should have your baby how you desire and not be pressured into something you don't want to do (my previous doctor did that to me a lot and that was a major deciding factor on my research into a midwife). That is my little...rant for the time being ;)
As of now I am 16-almost 17weeks along and getting bigger and bigger (I cry because I am fat and have a belly that really isn't *that* big haha...poor TJ how does he put up with me?!) but I am feeling better each day so there is a bright side to this pregnancy or 'honeymoon' stage. We are excited with our decision to go with a natural water birth and continue to grow (no pun intended) and learn the most we can from our experienced midwife! We actually get to hear our babies heartbeat tomorrow for the first time-on my Husband's birthday- what cooler gift is there?!?! I guess I am a pretty cool wife, though for planning that out so well ;)
