If you talked to me about three years ago my opinion on marriage, I would have told you straight to the face I was not interested in marriage...at all. It was really hard growing up and seeing my mom's (who is so amazing and loving) marriages not work out--and don't get me wrong, she gave 200% all the time; it was just the men that were not as giving in the marriage and that made it really hard to want the desire to get married.
Yes, I had tons of boyfriends during my dating years and several I thought about marrying but that thought was quickly diminished after I saw a flaw or something that reminded me of my father figure. It was really rough and when I got into a 4-year on and off relationship and it turned into something very abusive I was for sure NEVER going to get married.
Then why did I go to BYU-Idaho? After breaking up with this guy for the final time I decided I really needed some soul searching, I was not in the best place and I needed out and a fresh new start. I was always against going to any BYU school because I always thought it was weird and everybody was the same. I woke up one morning having this urge to fill out the application and go to Idaho. I felt like it was worth a shot but I was never going to be accepted.
Congratulations, you have been accepted to Brigham Young University-Idaho...wait--what? I was happy to start my journey on a fresh path of rocks I packed immediately and went on my way. But when I got there I was apprehensive about marriage and still believed that some marriages were meant to be...but not for me. Until I met TJ.
The two years it has taken us to get where we are now are...an emotional roller coaster; from the time we started English class together we became the best of friends. My roommates would joke around saying what a cutie he was and we were bound to be married by the end of the semester...those silly girls! We would go on fun adventures that made him stand out more and his creativity was appealing to me. It finally hit me, IF I ever got married I could see myself with him.
My second semester I started doing some soul searching in one of my classes and determine what I wanted in life and try to look at all the pro's in marriage as well. This was the time TJ and I became closer than before (after a break-up that was...very harsh and negative) I decided to share my feelings with TJ, but he had a girlfriend--I always open my mouth at the wrong time! So by the end of the semester I had changed my opinion and decided marriage wasn't half bad and it was something I could see myself doing in the near future, so TJ and I gave it a shot...but that didn't last long so we went back to being friends.
He was the only person I really talked to, we texted each other over Christmas break and in January decided to try once more, and again...another fail, long distance did not help. We lost connection but I couldn't stand to not talk to him, so....ONE.MORE.TIME. and...ta-da! Apparently it worked because here we are celebrating one year of marriage.
I could not feel any more blessed to be with this humble man; he has truly changed my life for the better and eternity doesn't seem that bad when I see it with him ;)
Now, my second thought: OH MY GOSH...we are just a few weeks away from being parents!
In my late teen years, I didn't want kids. I really didn't have a desire to raise children of my own--it was a scary concept and it was something my roommate was so boggled with, how could I not want kids? She would sometimes get upset with me because this was my calling from Heavenly Father and I didn't want to do it. This was a hard thing for TJ to grasp onto, not knowing all the reasons why it is probably one of the reasons it took so long to get married.
But if you have guessed, my opinion has changed completely...or this would be really awkward. I could not be happier than to soon be fulfilling my calling as a Daughter of God and raise children of my own so they can live the best life they can to return home to His presence.
As a mother to be, I am nervous out of my whits. What if I don't teach them something they should know? What if I am not the best role model to them? These questions have entered my mind ever since I said 'yes' to my wonderful guy. We have often talked about these...challenges and fears and its been difficult for me to look past it all and see the bright side.
I will admit, my life is far from being perfect and it is hard to try and raise children in a righteous manner when I was so rebellious in my later youth years. TJ has been reassuring to me I will be a wonderful mother and a great role model for our children because I have seen life from a different perspective; I can give my children insight that he cannot and visa versa. That is why we make such a great team and yet another reason why I am so blessed to have him as my husband for time and all eternity.
It is scary to have people think you are not perfect, then yet again NOBODY is perfect so it is silly to even care what people think about you. This is a struggle for me because I for sure married up and I want to be the best wife I possibly can and be the close-to-perfect- wife for my husband. He already thinks I am more than amazing (which helps); but when it comes to family, not all of them know me and my struggles and its really not necessary to go into depth. But I am very fortunate and grateful for the family I have in my life; for the loving mother who has raised me into the woman I am now, showing me how the Atonement works in a family, to love and forgive. My incredible Mother-in-Law who has shown me to love unconditionally and has risen above a past and make the best of it- you truly look forward in life and raised an incredible young man. Also, my sister-like-cousin, Cyndi...for helping me enter a new path and a reminder to look into the future and away from the past. Showing me how awesome motherhood is and letting me be apart of the kiddos' life so I too can be excited about my future family.
This has helped me most in my preparation for becoming a mother--looking at the great examples in my life-- and I cannot be more excited for our little princess to enter this world! To see what kind of mother I will be, to see my loving husband hold our little girl and spoil her. To have her grow up in a loving home with the knowledge of eternal families and feel safe, to let her feel the love we have for her to be apart of our eternal family and someday (a very long someday) start her eternal family with a husband who will love her like her daddy loves her mommy. All of this I am so grateful for and cannot imagine my life being any different.
Its been one year. One year with many challenges and many laughs, its been a challenging road but I am so grateful to be spending it with my wonderful husband and would not change it for a million bucks!
We are so grateful for the love and support from family and friends as we begin our journey into parenthood and are anxious to meet our little girl in less than five weeks!
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